Thursday, January 21, 2010

Here Goes Nothing…

Well, I went out with a bang. Yesterday I ate almost a bag of pretzels (Bonus: 20 percent more for free! Lucky me!); about a box of Wheat Thins. Maybe seven mini peanut butter cups. A big scoop of salted butter caramel ice cream. Two slices of pizza. French toast and lots of bites of the girls’ chocolate chip pancakes. Bread and butter, and it wasn’t even that good. Oh, and cake. Lots of homemade yellow cake with sugared butter cream frosting.

Even as I write all this I think, fuck it, I am just going to eat the rest of that bag of pretzels and skip this newcomer OA meeting bullshit. This is been a two week and two day spree: Not every day was crazy like yesterday. And some I made it all the way to nighttime before I went crazy with eating. But still, it is out of control and I feel out of control and I feel very not right.

So I lied to my Significant Other. Nice! No reason why I can’t tell the truth but I just can’t quite yet. I said I wanted to go to a yoga class and instead I will be sheepishly walking into my first OA meeting in the basement or backroom of an Episcilaina church in town. What the fuck? I feel nervous, which means I will most likely babble like an idiot or, the opposite: Be super quiet. I am hoping to met, on the first visit, a mentor and friend and a person who will make it all better for me. Not too much to ask, right?

I haven’t been on the scale in two weeks, and I know it will be bad. So I am not going on for at least a week. That is, after a week of clean, normal eating. Which means I need to stick to clean eating for a week. Which seems impossible and is why, after all these years and all these issues, I will be going to my first OA meeting. I don’t know what else to do.

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