Friday, January 29, 2010

Comments as a Breadcrumb Path: Keep em' Coming

To the awesome comment people: Thank you, thank you, thank you. This is a really hard time for me right now and I am trying hard, veeeeery hard, to start each day right and stay on track as long as I can. I keep breaking, every day, and it still sucks. When is this cycle going to end? Or, this cycle of cycles?

What scares me is I am at the point of NEVER feeling full. In the beginning, when I "slip" and have an overeating kinda day, and then I eat too much, my body warns me by making me feel very full. It is an awful feeling. But, as I continue these daily episodes of eating waaaay too much, my body adjusts and seems to ask, "Hey, can I get some more? Because this is barely filling me up at all." Oh, and I don't enjoy the food I am putting in my body. Almost tasteless, it all is.

I have been very aware this cycle, and I must say that I am usually not so aware. That, I guess, is a start. I ordered a book that was delivered yesterday about binge eating. Once again, I am not sure I fit into the classic binge eater definition. I think I have created a brand new eating disorder: Half the way (or more) spent eating very healthy; skip dinner and eat too much crap (by too much crap I mean, for example, last night's binge: An entire bag of caramel popcorn, a bagel with melted cheese, two peanut butter protein bars....) I feel shame, anger, sadness, disappointment and that awful aura of helplessness.

I know I need to do this myself. Another fun fact about me: I am a recovering alcoholic. I quit drinking on my now (no AA, no therapists, etc) and have been sober 7 years. My drinking problem was huge and I conquered that alone. Why can't I do this? Why?

And not to pt too much pressure on you comment people, but it means so much. I was in bed, reading through my blogroll one morning, planning my day of crap eating in my head, when I read a comment from one of you. And I stopped. I ate well and was on track until nighttime. So it helps.

I'm trying people, I'm trying. I am knocked down every day, but I keep trying. Naturally I hope the book I got yesterday is the Magic Cure. And this blog is another Magic Cure. Because something HAS to give: I have been dealing with this long enough. I want I need, I am beyond ready to be in the recovery stage.

Please, lease please let this cycle of cycles be ending. Please let me have the courage to talk about this with someone in real life. Please let the book give me a path. And please let your comments form a breadcrumb trail that leads me to the land of recovery.

Becasue right now, I hate myself. And right now, I look at my body and I think it is awful. And I need to get out of this space.

And you know what, we should start a Binge Police business. I want to hire someone to shadow me ALL day and slap me as soon as I start to binge. A little unconventional, but it would work. I have a feeling that is a business that could really tae off. Because bingers need to get back on track and then we can steer our own ship. But getting back on track is SO hard.

See, as that picture shows, I told you when I am healthy I am really healthy. The best part is I really LIKE food like that. That caramel popcorn I shove in? Not so much.


  1. Glad to hear the comments help :)

    I'm very similar to you - I eat incredibly healthily, and naturally crave simple and healthy foods. When a binge hits though, it's hard to climb back out of that unhealthy rut.


  2. Yes, this cycle will end.

    That is no small feat that you recovered from alcoholism-thats awesome. However, it shows that you use outside substances to escape feelings you don't want to feel, or issues you don't want to deal with. Have you heard about how there are so many people who now get counseling when they get lap band surgery because they become either drug addicts or alcoholics afterwards because they replace their semi addiction to food with these other things??

    I am similar to you and Ally-I actually am very good at eating healthy until I binge. I know the calorie counts in everything, and eat mostly fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and lean proteins. I even binge on healthy food sometimes because I crave it so much. The cycle is continuing because your mind and body are craving it and don't want to give up these feelings and rushes of hormones. You are also feeling worse and worse as the cycle continues-worse about yourself, your situation, your body, and you feel hopeless to ever stop. This just continues the cycle. You may, like me, wonder if this will always be your life. The book, and this blog, are part of the process-no doubt. However, the 'magic cure' is within you-you don't have to wait to have some 'aha' moment in which it all suddenly makes sense and you never do it again. It takes vigilance and work on your part. I know how hard it is-you can count on that.

    Just take it one day at a time. Just don't binge for one day. Go from there. You can stop this-you do not have to binge today. Its your choice. =)

  3. wish you could tell me who you are! do you have another blog?
    My binge eating got really really really bad at one point...

    maybe I can help?