Monday, January 25, 2010

Hello Darkness, My Old Binge Friend

Mid-binge here, people (?) I am mid-binge. So far today I have had brownies, Sun Chips, half a loaf of French bread and a protein bar. Oh and a cu of Cinnamin Toast Crunch. Normally this much food would give me a stomach ache, but my stomach is nice and stretched from three days of this.

And tonight we are going out to eat at a fancy French restaurant. My picky appetite limits me to a random fish dish and a chocolate souffle.

This sucks. It really does. I feel gross and bloated and fat and ugly. I can't look at myself in the mirror. I don't feel healthy at all. I skipped my morning run, which is not good. And I am wondering, yet again, what causes these cycles and why the hell can't I get out of them? What is it going to take? How do I flip that switch? I need answers because I can't go on like this.


  1. Something my counsellor told me was that maybe it's not just one cycle, but a series of cycles...and that by figuring out one cycle, it sort of helps you to figure out the others, and thus end the binge pattern.

    God. That made no sense.

    My advice for tomorrow? Start the day right. Get up at a decent hour, have something healthy to eat, and go work out or something. The minute I do something even remotely triggering the next morning after a binge, I'm off and there's no turning back. Don't give yourself that chance.

  2. P.S. Email me if you ever want to talk!

  3. Agree with Ally....I used to remind myself that, even if I was in therapy, my therapist wouldn't be there in the kitchen with me. It would only be me there, only me deciding to binge or not. This both gave me power and scared me to death. It is going to be your choice. You must decide that you and your life, and even just your day-to-day happiness is worth NOT binging. Try to imagine all of these awful feelings you are feeling now next time you want to binge. Start your next day right, its a new start. Don't let the cycle continue. It doesn't have to-you don't have to feel this way. It is a constant battle, I know. I sometimes go into a gas station or the store and just imagine all of the things I could eat. But then I remind myself of the awful physical and mental anguish. Do I really want to feel that? Usually the answer is no. If I won't not binge for me, I try to not binge for my loved ones. They don't deserve the person I become in a binge cycle. Today is a new day!!